What do I do, you ask? I eat. Things I shouldn't. Granted, I don't eat like Pre C&P Laurie, but damn, I don't eat like I should. It's work. I think about food CONSTANTLY at work. I snack constantly. Yesterday snacks consisted of hearts of palm with a few sprays of Ceasar dressing, some sour patch kids, Cheerios snack mix, etc. Yeah, hearts of palm are a great snack at only 20 calories for a whole freakin jar. But SOUR PATCH KIDS? Um.. no! There is NOTHING healthy about these.. sure, they're fat free, but honestly, I think fat is better than sugar in our case. I've also taken a newfound liking to frappuccino lights at Starbucks. I don't give a flip if they're light.. they're still laden with sugar and there are a million other things that would be a healthier solution. I'm trying to quit the Starbucks.. I really think they put something in there to make you addicted, why else would we pay $3 for a drink? It's freakin ridiculous.
Some theories on why we do what we do... thank you so much to Jil for helping provide these theories!
- if we don't completely succeed (ie. reach our ultimate goal), we can justify not being happy with ourselves, or have the "what now" syndrome. If we are not at goal, we still have something to blame besides ourselves.
- what if things are still not what we thought they would be. Our fat was a crutch.. still is actually. What if we do not find our happiness that we didn't have b/c we were fat once we aren't fat anymore?
- If we reach goal, we have to figure out how to DEAL with issues, vs. just silencing ourselves with our former best friend, food.
This crap needs to stop. I have lost close to 160 pounds. I can lose another 10. I have a pouch, not a football sized stomach like I used to. Sure, it may have stretched a bit, but it is still nowhere near what it used to be. I need to stop finding comfort in my old things, and learn to deal with life. I have so many wonderful things happening in my life, and although work is driving me mad lately, I can't let my thoughts win. I'm better than that.. we all are!!
9 comments:
Can so relate.
I appreciate your honesty and sharing your struggles...this stuff is hard to face, no matter how long I've been working on it. As much as I wish no one else felt like this, it helps to know that other people do.
You know, there is a flip-side to this that I've been working through in my mind, so stick with me while I try to explain. :)
Okay, so you might have that last 10 lbs you want to lose... but in the big picture do you really *need* to lose it, or are they really "vanity" pounds?
How are you feeling? Do you feel well, healthy? Do you feel energetic are your labs good?
Seriously, do you think that even if you got down to your ultimate goal weight that you would all of a sudden feel magically different?
We're so used to being "works in progress" that it's hard to recognize the remarkable things we do right now!
I'm just thinking out loud, for myself too, that maybe the time is better spend learning to accept and love the skin we're in right now, instead of waiting to get to some goal to finally say, "There I'm good right now", when in all actuality we've been good all along!
Still,we wait to achieve a goal before we can (if we even do) fully love ourselves.
If we are loving and accepting of ourselves right now, the way we are, the self-sabotaging discipates; "they" (the shrinks) say if we care that much about ourselves, as we do our best friends, why would we put ourselves at risk at all?
Whew... sorry for the rant. I mean it most sincerely and am not criticizing. This is a constant battle for me, personally.
You are right...we are better than that...ALL of us!
Oh you girls... I mean really... could you stop speaking DIRECTLY to me?! :-) I sooo hear what you're saying, and it's true. Although sometimes I feel like I've completely walked away from the weight loss surgery thing and have taken a nose dive off the deep end with this fertility deal. I guess there is no balance for me...
I think it's natural that you're struggling - this is going to be a lifelong battle for those of us with serious weight issues.
That said, you need to focus on the beginning, on why you really wanted to lose weight. Whatever that greatest motivation was, make that your main focus again. Bring it back to the front, keep it simple, and you will lose those last 10 pounds!
I am SO with you! It's true, it's true! I couldn't have said it better myself!
I will say, it does help to know that I'm not the ONLY one who does this.
We ARE better than this!
Chin up! We'll get past this! Someday . . .
Donna, you have wonderful points, and while I don't mind where I am, I don't have the energy I want, and I'm still a bit flabby in spots. I just hate the idea of feeling defeated being so close to the finish line, with nothing standing in my way but myself. ARGHH!!!!!
I totally hear you. I fell off the wagon HARD in the UK and am now struggling to get my shit together again and I mean STRUGGLING! Of course, I have only been back for one freaking day and was too jet lagged to do kickboxing tonight, then leave on Sunday for mission work (which should include losing a few pounds!). I think once I can get back to regular workouts, I'll feel better about myself, but I still so want to get below 200 pounds!
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